


This Is What Drowning Feels Like

by Deannie



Series: Women on the Border [10]
Category: Castle
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Episode: s05e18 The Wild Rover, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:43:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7858549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannie/pseuds/Deannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was just hurt. And the thought that he had kept something like this from her all this time seemed… Like maybe she didn’t know him at all. Except that she did. Of course she did. The look on his face as he left was concerned and determined and everything she loved about him. He wanted to make a difference.</p><p>But she just wanted him home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is What Drowning Feels Like

**Author's Note:**

> For the hc_bingo prompt: drowning. Part of my Women on the Border series. Takes place during The Wild Rover.

“I just want him to come home,” Jenny said, gripping the cup in her hands like a lifeline.

That was really it. God, when did it get so complicated? Kevin was a cop and his job was dangerous and Jenny knew that—she’d known it going in. She wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t naive.

She was just hurt. And surprised. And the thought that he had kept something like this from her— _ fourteen months! _ —all this time seemed… Like maybe she didn’t know him at all.

Except that she did. Of course she did. The look on his face as he left (And God, she wouldn’t even kiss him. What was  _ that _ ?!) was concerned and determined and everything she loved about him. He wanted to make a difference. 

But she just wanted him home.

“Hey, Beckett?” 

She turned to see Javier in the doorway, his phone to his ear and a look of concern on his face. “I need to talk to you.”

The look he gave Jenny caused her stomach to clench.

Oh God…

She teetered on the edge of a panic attack for the 90 seconds it took the two of them to talk, trying to overhear, but drowning in the sound of the blood rushing through her in fear. He couldn’t do this.  _ God, please, Kevin. _ He couldn’t leave her here alone, not when she was going to—

“Jenny?”

Kate’s voice and the hand on her shoulder made it through the fear and Jenny looked up at her, barely noticing the tear that slipped out of her eye. 

“Where is he?” she begged, praying that Kate knew.

“We’re headed out to bring him home now,” Kate assured her. Jenny broke the surface, breathing for the first time in a while. “Do you want me to have a uniform take you home?” There was something in Kate’s eyes that started the panic all over again. “This might take a while. You don’t need to stay here.”

Jenny almost laughed. No place was any better than any other right now, right? The only place she wanted to be was where Kevin was.

But it was something to do.

“Um… I guess. Thanks.” 

Kate squeezed her shoulder. “I need to go now, okay?” she said, like she was talking to a victim’s…  _ God. _ “You’ll be okay for a minute?”

No. No she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t be okay. “Just bring him back,” she whispered.

“We will,” Kate promised. And somehow, drowning in terror and sure her heart would explode soon, Jenny believed her.

* * * * * * * * *

She’d cried for part of the time. The two hours since Officer Michaels had dropped her off. Then she’d cleaned the house from top to bottom, trying to think about where they’d put the furniture in the nursery, what they’d name the baby, anything but what she’d do if she had to raise this child alone.

He didn’t even know she was pregnant! The call had come this morning, after another sleepless, angry night without him in her bed, after she was sure she couldn’t take any more. All that trouble. Kate tried to make it more about Kevin being a good cop, but Jenny knew it was more than that. She knew that Kevin had taken all of this baby stuff and made it his fault. And this Siobhan woman was his fault, too. Because he wanted to be perfect. The perfect Daddy, the perfect husband, the perfect cop.

She just wanted—

The sound of her cellphone ringing made her jump, and she picked it up gingerly to see Kate’s number. Kate. Not Kevin.

It took four rings before she could answer. 

“Hello?” she whispered. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Hello?”

“Hi Honey, it’s me,” Kevin said, his voice quiet and gentle and  _ alive _ . 

“Kevin...” she murmured, barely getting the words out. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, baby, I promise,” he said, sounding okay. Really okay, okay. “Look, I want to be home. Now. But it’s going to take a while to get this cleaned up here.”

Jenny nodded in their dark, empty apartment. “I know. It’s work.” A laugh of relief had her bursting to the surface and breathing again. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. “Just get done soon?”

“I’ll try,” he replied. And then, because he was Kevin and Kevin couldn’t ever wait to apologize, he sighed. “Jenny, I’m so sorry—”

“When you get home,” she told her sternly, clearing her throat of tears and terror and the feeling of drowning. “We can talk, okay?”

Relief shone in his voice, and Jenny smiled. “Okay. I’ll be quick as I can, I promise.” He paused, and the words he said into that silence made her cry all over again. “I love you, Baby.”

“I love you, too.”

And then he was gone and the apartment was too dark and quiet all of a sudden. Jenny walked to the tiny office that would have to serve as a nursery for now, flicking on the light and thinking more seriously about how to fit a changing table in over by the window…

She’d ask Kevin when he came home, she thought, the light and the memory of his voice washing away the fear.

Just as soon as she told him the news.

*******   
the end


End file.
